What would Athe do?

My great grandfather would say, “people who do not like their beliefs laughed at should not have such funny beliefs.” He was an atheist. In fact, rumor has it that it was he who founded our religion. We’re Atheists: followers of Atheism, devotees of Goddess Athe.

I was born in 2078 to Atheist parents. I’m not sure how young Atheism is, but given that grampa Rick started it, it shouldn’t be more than over a century old. I’m told he was mighty proud to be an atheist too! But the funny thing is, people say he didn’t even believe there was a God – which is confusing, because if it weren’t for him, we wouldn’t be here worshiping Athe today.

My dad, however, says grampa Rick didn’t really do much for Atheism. He just went about his business and scoffed at everyone who’d waste time praying instead of working hard. It was my grand uncle who actually did all the work. It was he who went around propagating our religion, handing out pamphlets, calling meetings of all Atheists and converting people to Atheism.

We Atheists aren’t very rigid. But we do have some protocols. If we want something good to happen, we can put in a request to the FSM. Or for that matter, when something good does happen, we always make sure we thank the FSM. Again, no one really knows who or what FSM really means. They say it stands for For Some Money. Because you can register a request to the FSM once you pay some money for the good of Athe. (Notice that we Atheists don’t pray. We only request.)

A few old people say FSM stands for the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Apparently someone started it as a joke and the word spread. But I think that theory is just ridiculous. I mean, think about it – does it even make sense? Spaghetti is something you dig a fork into and eat! And heck, it doesn’t even fly. Well, what do these old farts know anyway? My bet is it is For Some Money. Or perhaps even Find Some Method (to deliver true Atheists of their predicament). Now that makes sense. But who really knows all these things?

You must be thinking our religion is crazy. But just wait till you meet the more conservative folk – the Agnostics, devotees of Agnos, and Skeptics, devotees of Skepses. They sure are a curious lot. Some of their protocols – or “customs” as they like to call it – are so absurd! Customs, really? Who practices customs anymore? And oh, get this: to add to their confusion, there are some people who call themselves skeptics, but do not worship Skepses. They go about saying they should not be confused for Skeptics. What’s with these people? What difference does a capital letter make? I don’t care whether you eat a potato or a Potato, you’re still eating it!

Oh well, I could go on. Thanks for listening. You know, I’m not really as religious as my mom would like me to be, but when I’m in a fix I do ask myself – “What would Athe do?” And you know what? It works wonders!

Now if you will, I’ll go grab something to eat. I seriously hope there’s a restaurant around somewhere. All I see on this road is a temple for Believers – this one apparently has some amazing lemon rice, but alas, I’ll never have the good fortune to taste it. Atheism does not permit us to go near temples.

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86 responses to “What would Athe do?

  1. G madame did u see world cup match! God is there and he is great…..but he didn’t play in todays match J First WC without #god. Hope u had happy valentine day ;)

  2. KICKASS! You nailed it like no other! Please take a bow this is beyond brilliant I’m speechless!

  3. Most atheists are not as rational as they claim to be – it has become more of a fashion statement. In fact, I’ve been banned from online atheist groups for raising uncomfortable questions, which is as dogmatic as things can possibly get :D.

    • I’d say most atheists are rational – the ones you refer to (who aren’t as rational) are likely not really atheists to begin with, and are trying to conform by being “fashionable.” -g

  4. Point Blank Hilarious!

  5. absolutely brilliant Gauri! Take a bow.

    • Thank you so much, Nishit. Few things are more rewarding than knowing a piece resonated with someone. Means a lot :) -g

  6. Wonderful perspective! Got here from Ree’s (Spitphyre’s) tweet. You need to write more often.

  7. Haha, nice one!

  8. stumbled across this article vai ur twitter msgs ;
    damn i wish i had read this b4
    Nicely written and interesting to know ur perspective
    ;
    Goddess Athe ; wise and powerful beyond measure.
    and no to mention the lemon rice : blissful and beyond reach
    cheers
    santhosh krish

  9. He he, good one :-) I ‘very strongly believe’ in the power of lemon rice. Lemme go make some right away ;-)

  10. Haha good one! Love the way you see the world, very unique. Keep blogging!

    ~sum33t

  11. Hail Goddess Athe! ;)

    Nice one G.

  12. This is so awesome! I am absolutely floored. As a “I believe my own Godji who listens to me” person, this impressed me

  13. Fantastic post! This is so deep and howlarious. I’m a pure atheist and oops, you just made me realise how I sound to those around me :-s

    So g, you’ve turned me into a believer. Now I believe there’s a God somewhere who still creates first class writers and like Pratyush above I’m going to pray that you write another post really soon :-) Brilliance!

  14. * correction for the typo —

    If I still believed in God, I would have thanked him/her/it for answering my prayers. Now I don’t know :(. What would Athe do?

  15. Your last post was the first one that I saw when the first time I landed here. Since then I prayed to Gods of all hues for another post of yours. Changed my religion a couple of time in between. Dejected, just when I turned atheist, you came up with this.
    If I still believed in God thanked for my prayers being answered. Now I don’t know :(. What would Athe do?

    • Hehehe. See, a fanatic believer would argue your prayers were answered. A fanatic atheist would argue praying didn’t get you what you asked for. The rest, in the meantime, would just sit on the fence, grab a bag of chips and watch the fun ;) If I knew how much Athe was into potato chips, I’d be able to answer your question. -g

  16. Atul,

    Simple!

    “Oh my God!” ‘Cuz I don’t think theists actually address their God in their “intimate moments”. And even if they’re addressing God, atheists too can do so! You don’t have to believe in God’s existence to address him/her/it!

    And gau3, I just realized if god (the generic variety) were to exist, he/she/it would also sign off as “-g”! ;) Does this say something about your real identity, or the number of limbs you have?

    • I’d argue the theoretical God will have a much bigger theoretical ego. My bet is s/he will capitalize (on) the ‘G’ ;) -g

  17. And what do atheists say during, umm, intimate moments when they experience — how to put it? — a “religious” experience in the bedroom?

    “Oh my Darwin! oh my Darwin!!”

  18. As a member of the proto-Atheists I am deeply offended by this sarcastic post. Please take it down before her noodly appendage strikes with full vengeance.

    Repent now and you might still get to the heaven of beer volcanoes and exotic dancers.

    Meanwhile I am looking into the Atheist equivalent of a fatwa.

    • That’s the problem with you proto aborigines; you lack the sophistication of uh, going about it. Lay all the groundwork first: Consult with your progregation (since you’d object to calling it a congregation :P), chart out an agenda, threaten to stop public transport or burn bridges buses. Then we’ll talk.

      Atheist equivalent of a fatwa – not Night-cap’hir? :O

      -g

  19. So what happens if your faith in Athe is shattered ?

  20. Athe would start her own cult right outside the temple, and ask her newly brainwashed devotees to donate some lemon rice to her!

    Do you seriously avoid entering temples? :O

    ;)

  21. And how is that even when I forget about this place, I land up here? This looked really familiar, the style, the looks, the title et al. Now I remember :P

  22. “to add to their confusion, there are some people who call themselves skeptics, but do not worship Skepses. They go about saying they should not be confused for Skeptics. What’s with these people? What difference does a capital letter make? I don’t care whether you eat a potato or a Potato, you’re still eating it!” – Brilliant :)

  23. Whatever I say will be misunderstood, Whatever I don’t say will never be understood.

  24. So the question is, does g follow Atheism? :-)

    • Yes, that’s the question :) And what’s the answer? -g

      • Haha! The answer is don’t mess with g’s wit! I was just curious if you’re an atheist.

      • If you’re asking whether I think there’s someone sitting in the sky who will be happy to give me what I want if I leave a gift at a temple which will then be transferred up there without any help from ICICI – oh, very much so. Writers build their world around fantasies :) -g

  25. Actually Athe was the anti-God of old religions which claimed God is love, Athe is hate*.

    Really well written G. Loved it :)

    • Well, she had Thea for competition. Why do you think this is such a heat*ed debate? :P And thanks, you! :) -g

      • But the mother of Athe, Thea and Hate was mankind’s oldest goddess. The one who is worshipped at least thrice everyday by most humans. She is called, at least by baby humans, “Eath”

  26. I, for one, can’t believe this post, g. It’s just too good.

    • If it could make you stop by after so long, I won’t object to believing that :) Good to see you again; thanks! -g

  27. Er… sons-in-law.

  28. All son-in-laws are forced to be Atheists, and sometimes Mamaists. #kannada

  29. Nice post. Seeing those atheists-vs-believers fights I sometimes consider calling myself an I-Don’t-give-a-damn-ist. But then again, people would start defending and worshipping `Holy Damn`

  30. Man.. you have SOME imagination :)

  31. I, for one, am a deeply religious, devout, atheist. And you are wrong about the FSM part my child. FSM is actually what led to your grampa founding the religion of Atheism. Wanna know how?

    Well, I was once with your grampa at a mall – we were both in early twenties. And there was this hot chick in a Spaghetti top; and we were both drooling all over her. Being the deeply pious gentleman, I muttered “Oh My God, look at that hot bod!” and she overheard it. Unfortunately for me, she wasnt in a good mood (mustve been PMS).

    Fortunately for me, she thought your grampa had made that remark. She gave a “I’l kill you” stare to your grampa which made him chant out of fear “Oh My God, help me”. But God dint listen and flying she came like a monster, delivering a brutal kick in the poor chap’s groin. “Oh My GODDDD!”, he groaned.

    And that was when we lost faith in the conventional religions and Gods and went ahead to establish the superior religion of Atheism. Goddess Athe happens to be an incarnation of the same lady that we had seen at the mall – “Flying Spaghetti Monster” – FSM.

    Get it?

  32. This is so profound AND hilarious!!

    • Shh, not so loud. Profound should always be serious. Hilarious is always very shallow :-| Thanks ;) -g

    • Yes it is, profound and hilarious, Shail. The American comedian Woody Allen said that Atheism is confusing because when you become a parent you don’t know which religion to not bring your children up in.

      Which has most value for our world, profound perceptions or humorous perceptions?I know my answer. :O)

      • Oh please don’t get me wrong, there are some things I’m extremely religious about. My kids won’t grow up without Calvin & Hobbes, Douglas Adams and my music collection. Of course, they can choose to read Dan Brown and listen to rap once they’re 40 :-| -g

  33. I am so atheist that I do yajna for Richard Dawkins

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