What would Athe do?

My great grandfather would say, “people who do not like their beliefs laughed at should not have such funny beliefs.” He was an atheist. In fact, rumor has it that it was he who founded our religion. We’re Atheists: followers of Atheism, devotees of Goddess Athe.

I was born in 2078 to Atheist parents. I’m not sure how young Atheism is, but given that grampa Rick started it, it shouldn’t be more than over a century old. I’m told he was mighty proud to be an atheist too! But the funny thing is, people say he didn’t even believe there was a God – which is confusing, because if it weren’t for him, we wouldn’t be here worshiping Athe today.

My dad, however, says grampa Rick didn’t really do much for Atheism. He just went about his business and scoffed at everyone who’d waste time praying instead of working hard. It was my grand uncle who actually did all the work. It was he who went around propagating our religion, handing out pamphlets, calling meetings of all Atheists and converting people to Atheism.

We Atheists aren’t very rigid. But we do have some protocols. If we want something good to happen, we can put in a request to the FSM. Or for that matter, when something good does happen, we always make sure we thank the FSM. Again, no one really knows who or what FSM really means. They say it stands for For Some Money. Because you can register a request to the FSM once you pay some money for the good of Athe. (Notice that we Atheists don’t pray. We only request.)

A few old people say FSM stands for the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Apparently someone started it as a joke and the word spread. But I think that theory is just ridiculous. I mean, think about it – does it even make sense? Spaghetti is something you dig a fork into and eat! And heck, it doesn’t even fly. Well, what do these old farts know anyway? My bet is it is For Some Money. Or perhaps even Find Some Method (to deliver true Atheists of their predicament). Now that makes sense. But who really knows all these things?

You must be thinking our religion is crazy. But just wait till you meet the more conservative folk – the Agnostics, devotees of Agnos, and Skeptics, devotees of Skepses. They sure are a curious lot. Some of their protocols – or “customs” as they like to call it – are so absurd! Customs, really? Who practices customs anymore? And oh, get this: to add to their confusion, there are some people who call themselves skeptics, but do not worship Skepses. They go about saying they should not be confused for Skeptics. What’s with these people? What difference does a capital letter make? I don’t care whether you eat a potato or a Potato, you’re still eating it!

Oh well, I could go on. Thanks for listening. You know, I’m not really as religious as my mom would like me to be, but when I’m in a fix I do ask myself – “What would Athe do?” And you know what? It works wonders!

Now if you will, I’ll go grab something to eat. I seriously hope there’s a restaurant around somewhere. All I see on this road is a temple for Believers – this one apparently has some amazing lemon rice, but alas, I’ll never have the good fortune to taste it. Atheism does not permit us to go near temples.