A Market on the Drug

What nature set out to do, the pharma companies took upon themselves to upgrade. And understandably so – it must be hard to run a business on just the finite supply of official diseases nature has to offer. Medicines to cure diseases are so 60’s, as are vitamins to prevent them. That leaves drug companies no choice but to do what they’ve become so adept at – invent diseases! Come on now, don’t even question its ethics – advertising has always invented the need for commodities one could completely do without.  Why not extend that idea to creating diseases? Say, for instance, Apulchritis” – the condition of not being stunning, drop-dead gorgeous.

I must confess, upon being told of the existence of cosmetic drugs, my ever fainéant mind was quite thankful in anticipation of the twenty potentially saved minutes. Imagine, you swallow this tiny pill, and the blush, lip color, mascara etc. magically appear on your face.  Of course, all in a perfect blend so it looks like you never quite wore it to begin with. It’s another story that this isn’t exactly what cosmetic drugs mean. In fact, they promise something even bigger. Mascara is apparently for losers – so what if one can make it appear magically on one’s lashes? The real deal lies in enhancing them [sic] lashes themselves. And while we’re at it, let us tighten up that skin as well. Because if you’re too smart to subscribe to what we (want you to) think, the least we could do is make you feel miserable for having “inadequate” lashes, or a non-20-year-old skin when you are 67.

Oh, of course it’s all tested and proven! Well, uh, kind of – did you not look at the before/after pictures that has transformed so many suckers clients? I’ve always wondered if these before/after pictures actually allude to before/after Photoshop®. But that’s for me to wonder and them to no – for them to deny, that is.

I don’t exaggerate when I say pharmas are the world’s next superheroes. They don’t let tinpot agencies like the FDA get in the way of their creativity. Oh don’t get me wrong – it’s not like the FDA is ethical uptight about such innovations. But well, their approval is required, and they are answerable to authorities themselves. So instead of bothering the poor agency with incessant appeals for drug-approval, why not invent a way to get around them? Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Neutraceuticals – you know, that “stuff”, which isn’t quite a medicine (since medicines need FDA approval), but it’s a very “necessary” dietary supplement to prevent any “disease” the drug might have cured? Yes, any disease. Even marginal weight gain.

I have always appreciated genuine creativity. I have nothing against the genius of these inventors, nor will I stand in the way of fools suckers their clientele.  But dear pharmas, while you are at it, would you humor the woes of a small blogger and come up with a solution for small things that annoy much? Here’s her wishlist:

Aspirit: Asprin’s little cousin; completely eliminates hangovers.

Pedolacrytinnitol: Shuts off the adult tympanum to the shrill whine of a child once the frequency reaches that of F#. Recommended daily use for mommies, occasional one time use for air travelers.

Macromemory Plus: Enables one to still remember the big things after making sure the tiny details are taken care of. This is for those out there who remember to pack the phone charger and camera batteries, but leave the phone/camera behind. You know who you are. (Unrelated: There might be some husbands out there who want to try this out.)

Micromemory Minus: Selectively erases any painful memories – or for that matter happy memories that might make the present painful. Yes, they did make a movie to this effect. But I assure you the pill will be better – it won’t have Jim Carrey.

Flavorridex: There are some dishes that otherwise taste phenomenal, but for the presence of one atrocious dominating flavor. Yes, that annoying bay leaf or some overwhelming cardamom in an otherwise harmless dessert. Take Flavorridex, and you may savor the delicacy with your choice of the unflavor. Available in various non-flavors.

Irony Plus: Helps reduce or eradicate sarchasm. Especially when it’s you the sarcasm is directed at.

There, that’s a start. I refer you to the imaginative readers for more gems.

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52 responses to “A Market on the Drug

  1. Pingback: Gauri, Superwoman of Litterateuse, converses humour & men and more

  2. ha ha Nice one !!!

  3. Himalaya people don’t recall nothing lady!!!
    They’re ayurvedic/organic! I really like how you didn’t respond to the part where I asked u to write more often. Talent G, talent!!!

  4. Funny happened. That aspirit drug was released by Himalaya, some party something it was called. Doesn’t work…I tried it. I bet the blokes over at Himalaya follow your blog….if only you’d write more often, we could actually change the world…remember how we talked about world peace…Sighhhhhh!!!!!!

    • Haha, I *knew* this blog would be of use to someone some day! :P Perhaps we should by it by the dozen before it gets recalled or something :-| -g

  5. You hit the nail on the head! It’s a very sad thing that this is happening and we are made to feel bad about ourselves and how we look. Consumers are made so gullible and turned into complete fools!

    Well kudos to your way with words, imagination and humor etc. but what really got my attention most is this:

    (1) Finite supply of natural diseases (lol), so they invent new ones and make us fools.

    (2) That not looking beautiful is considered a disease.

    (3) “Because if you’re too smart to subscribe to what we (want you to) think, the least we could do is make you feel miserable…”

    (4) Neutraceuticals as a way to get around FDA laws (I didn’t know this term existed, thanks!)

    Brilliant observations. And extremely creative, both names of those medicines and the reason to take them. Now I think I need a drink after this long comment and then some Aspirit ;)

    I like thinkers with a sense of humor. Always a winning combination :)

    ~Enmei

    PS: “Apulchritis”, is such a perfectly coined word!! I suppose you came up with it yourself. Have you studied etymology?

    PS2: Sorry for the long comment.

    • No, I haven’t studied etymology, but it does intrigue me a great deal. Thanks for reading – and more importantly for seeing beyond the humor :) -g
      PS: Your name has a beautiful meaning :) I was curious and looked it up. Hope to see you again.

  6. Ha ha…what a great list. Can we have a Broo(d)fen – to eliminate broods of visiting relatives?
    :-)

    • Hehe. Not sure if that’ll work as a prevention, but you could use it for cure for sure ;) Not if you’re a brood-fan, though :-| -g

  7. Excellent post! Thank you for “humouring” me :) I hope you don’t make me prod you every time, I hate delurking :p Looking forward to the next.

  8. Whatay comeback! Totally worth the wait :) This is another winner. Your wit and creativity never cease to amaze me! A question for you (actually for the so called committee) – WHY are you not on Desi Pundit? They had a new round of bloggers recently (some are good, others no comments). Or does your subtle humour go beyond the slapstick they’re used to? Maybe they need a strong dose of Irony Plus ;)

    Keep writing…it’s a joy to read your stuff!

    • I can tell you’ve taken a good dose of Hyperbolexa :-| Thank you for your nice words! As for DP, well they have their standards :-) I cannot in any fairness call their humor blogs slapstick or mediocre. But there are some stellar writers out there who are not a part of DP – with company like that, I have neither reason nor desire to complain :) -g

  9. LOL! OK I am delurking! What creativity, I am amazed :)
    I think you have taken liberal dose of Creativin-2009.
    Right now, all I need is CalmParetin. Suffering from TeenKidsolitis you see :(

    p.s. Please write more often!

  10. Looks like you took some Twittabuse treatment. You know – the drug taken by bloggers who forget the blog world after getting on Twitter. :)

    • *Ouch* Looks like Irony Plus is already out on the market :( In my defense, I was on Twitter *before* I entered the blog world!! (But point taken :) ) -g

  11. And you totally forget about Ellipsidex, the capsule that causes a severe headache whenever people use ellipses as a replacement for mental hesitation. Also Factorol, a syrup that can tune out the noise from Bill O’Reilly’s show.

    • Hahaha. That one…yes…for some reason it did slip my mind…not sure how…I’d need an entire bottle myself…and then some for anyone reading this… :-|

      I think the husband could do with Factorol. I have a more cost-efficient substitute – it’s a little round tablet on my remote; just need to press it once. Reusable too. -g

  12. ha ha that was funny :)

  13. I must applaud your creativity before anything else Gauri! Enjoyed the post thoroughly. I hope they make the irony pills soon!! :P

    • Coming from you, the compliment is high, Shail – thanks! And yes, there are enough of our kind – *and* the other ;) – to generate a high demand for those :) -g

  14. most of these things are accidental discoveries if you ask me. One of these guys in the lab playing around with something hears from a coworker – ah this thing is pulling my skin tight or something like that and viola – there comes the skin tightener. i don’t think you can do original research on these things. Many a time they also read about some ancient remedy/paste and backwards engineer it.

    anyway the aisles of the markets that contain these very expensive magic concoctions are becoming larger & larger..now both men & women are shopping there and well, as longevity increases, the desire to stay in the young-mid age zone also increases.

    • Hmm, let’s see…what seems more plausible?

      Theory I: “Hey Joe, notice how these women spend all of 10 minutes curling their lashes and applying that mascara stuff or whatever…who notices lashes anyway? Tell you what, let me come up with something that can thicken the lashes themselves; the women folk will be happy, the boss will make money and we get a raise, wot say? ;) ”

      Theory II: “Hey Joe, f**k man, I dropped something on my eyelash, cr*p! Holy sh*t, look it’s made my lashes thicker on the left eye. Oh.my.God. Know what, say we turn this sh*t into a product, huh? The women folk will be happy, the boss will make money and we get a raise, wot say? ;)”

      You’re right, just going by the frequency of expletives, I’m inclined to believe the Iatter is more likely :) But yes, either way, I agree with the aisles expanding and consumers wanting to stay young. Well said, maddy. -g

  15. Hahaha! Great stuff! Enjoyed immensely!

    How about Shutupex Forte, a great remedy for alleviating the symptoms of Acute Matrimonitis?

  16. Stop dissing the pharma industry! You guys are lucky I’m high on ibuprofane, otherwise you’d see me swear like a drunken sailor.

    And without a healthy dose of hydrocourtisone, I doubt I’d have ever convinced the woman I love to understand how good Neo-sporin is for her! (Yes, eat your hearts out I have a drug named after me!)

    -Neo

    • Who’s dissing it? I’m in fact calling it creative. I call you that too! :-|
      [+10 for Hydrocourtisone :D What can I say, Neo’s pourin’!] :P -g

  17. :). you might get a few bottlefuls of irony plus.

  18. You can be sure that by now they have already started working on Irony Plus. :P

    As for me, I need macromemory plus. No, I haven’t done that but I am prone to. :)

    What about anti-heartbreakants to deal with general feelings of desolation and heartache after breakups.

  19. Back with a Bang! ROTFL and thankfully not many people in office yet :D

    Neutraceuticals???? How i wish they used this kind of innovative thinking for constructive purposes!!

    • Thank you, Kiran! Tell me about it – they have cosmeticeuticals too (yes, how innovative, and so not awkward to pronounce! ;) ). I think a Twitter hashtag would be a much better use of such innovation :-| -g

  20. I want all these pills. I remember Prof. Shonku (a creation of Satyajit Ray) had most of these pills, including one which cures ALL diseases.

    • It’ll be interesting to see what they come up with first: A disease that no drug can cure, or a drug that cures all diseases. What a phar(m)adox!! ;) What movie was this? -g

      • Not a movie. He wrote a lot of books (I *love* his books). One series was Feluda, the other was Professor Shonku (a scientist who goes into fantasy adventures in Calcutta or elsewhere).

      • Interesting! Will look those up. I hope KCLS has a stash. -g

  21. long time!!!! I enjoyed reading “Aspirit: Asprin’s little cousin; completely eliminates hangove” over and over again! Wish there was some!

    • Thanks, Lalit. Well I won’t be surprised if it’s lurking somewhere in the trials. These guys know what might sell. -g

      • heheh! I’m here to tell you that there is a pill (can’t remember the name) for hangovers which you take the night before!! I recently was given a free sample…. don’t ask me why!! :P

      • Wow! Now all I need to make sure is you’re not saying this under any influence :-| (And er….this sample distribution – would you say it’s random? :O)-g

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